Dear Lenore,
So here we are, working just a few floors apart from each other. I was going to make this letter into a paper-airplane and fly it down the elevator shaft to your desk but I wanted to try out this intra-office email system that the tech guy showed me. And I don’t know how to make paper-airplanes.
We should go out tonight. I have a wife so you don’t have to worry about me trying to take advantage of you. Actually, I despise my wife so I would have absolutely no problem cheating on her. In fact, I cheat on her quite often. But, as you can see, I am making no attempt to hide my arguably despicable character from you—so you don’t have to worry about me being dishonest with you. I will always tell you the truth, Lenore. I would also point out that I am an expert rhetorician; after our date tonight, when we are making love, I will teach you about the rhetorical trick of modulating a future event into the present tense to make it seem as though its occurrence is inevitable and completely non-contingent upon human will. This trick works great on women and speed-readers.
So dinner at my place? Let’s say 8 o’clock. Great. I’ll even let you cook. And since we’re being completely honest with each other I’ll tell you a secret: I always let a woman cook for me; it tricks her into thinking that she wants to impress me. Wanting to impress me is only a glass of wine and a few Back to the Future quotes away from wanting to seduce me. And wanting to seduce me is only a whispered line of Wittgenstein away from being seduced by me. It’s all quite simple. But since I have revealed my secret to you, you have nothing to be worried about. Oh, and I have a chef’s hat which you can wear while you’re cooking. I have a fetish for interesting hats, so it will be easier for you to try to seduce me if you’re wearing one.
Speaking of seduction and interesting hats, what’s up with Rick? I caught him leering at me this morning in the IHOP parking lot. And he was wearing a space helmet….
I’ll pick you up in the DeLorean at 8.
Potently,
Rex
P.S. Feel free to make your amorous response into a paper-airplane and fly it up to my office. I’m easily seduced by women who can do things that I can’t.
