When I said I wasn't a fatalist, I didn't really know what I was talking about which isn't surprising because my relationship to words is complicated.
Are you complicated? I believe that you're being honest with me, but does that honesty redeem the bad things you're being honest about? Last night, it seemed to. Honesty is simple at least; I think it's easier to keep track of.
I lied about a dream once. I don't lie a lot, but why did I lie about a dream? I was telling it to Rick and I changed some important details because I was afraid of how he'd interpret them, but if I was really afraid of that I shouldn't have talked about the dream at all.
Was I trying to assure him that, on the most basic level of consciousness, he didn't have to worry about how I felt for him?
I'm sorry I ran away last night. I had been looking forward to the ride home in the DeLorean and I kept my sneakers on when I walked in because I have this thing about feet - not because I was planning on running. The meal was great and I've never cooked while wearing a chef's hat before; I think it gave me confidence and improved the overall quality of the lasagna. Did you like it? I didn't get a chance to ask you before I left.
I didn't want to run, but while you were in the bathroom I started wondering where your wife was... if she was upstairs or not. Does she have a separate home? My parents ended up that way - my family is a whole different story - and they never got a divorce. Why don't you get a divorce? Is she wealthy? I don't want to be the downstairs, "other" woman. Rick is always talking about the distinction between self and other in words I can barely understand, but he wants me to belong to him - to be part of himself - and when that doesn't scare me it actually sounds romantic. Why don't you feel that way about me? You have a lovely home - it has a woman's touch, your wife's? - I just don't know what I was feeling right then when I ran away. I'm embarrassed.
I used to hate guys like you when I was younger. You probably never apologize for anything, do you? You think that just because you're unapologetically arrogant and immoral but direct and honest about the fact that you're unapologetically arrogant and immoral that you don't have to apologize, because who can be surprised or hurt by what you do when you've told them ahead of time that you're going to do it? Didn't they know what they were getting into? Aren't they just as responsible as you? It doesn't work that way. Words don't work that way. I'm not sure.
I think I'm ugly.
But I'm not looking for sympathy or compliments or anything so don't bother. It's just a fact.
If I'm weird around the office now, I'm sorry. I just need to figure some things out.
I used to draw.
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